Saturday, February 11th, 2006
Quote of the Day:
"We can never measure up to the demons inside us."
Dear Bloggie,
Here starts my usual trail of Depression. Though, after 21 years, I’m beginning to suspect it’s Truth talking, instead of Mizz D, as I’d like to think it is.
Well, here goes my tirade of self-abusing, deep, dark, dire conclusions about myself. Since I just introduced it this way, I don’t think you need to read further. This is just so I can vent all the steam, all the broken up pieces of me let go in these few words…
*sigh* what do i say now? now that i’ve basically summed up everything.
*silence*
well, i’ve been feeling this for so long.. this feeling of being caught up in the tide of life.. like you totally lose sight of who you are.. i always talk about it, and yes, here it is again.
even when you’re most happy, if the very core of your soul is depressed, you can never run away from it.
even at the peak of your time, you doubt yourself.
i honestly do not know what i’m going to do, where i’m going to go.
i know my mom’s not happy with me working in this dead-end job.
then what am i to do??
i can’t study for nuts, i don’t have the motivation, the dedication.
even if its for something i really love.. i basically have this mindset where i wanna breeze through life and take it easy.
well, it’s time that this dreamer faces the hard and cold reality.
i just can’t do it. no matter what everyone says. i just can’t.
so what the hell am i supposed to do?
i scoffed at the idea of my cousin who had Masters, who just wanted to get married and settle down with kids. basically, become a housewife.
i scoffed.
but at least now, she’s happily married and settled down with kids.
she knew what she wanted, and she got it.
that brings me to love…
love may bring u up to the skies, and tear you apart at the same time.
i know that no matter how good i want to be, or how good i want to be, i will never be.
i always fall short. there are people who just keep growing taller and taller, and i’ll always be left behind.
i’ve lost myself in every single aspect of life. i don’t know who i am.
i guess, in everything that we do, we always have this need to find out who we are.
i still dont. isnt that sad?
no matter how one may comfort me, a stranger or even someone so dear to my heart, no matter what they say, they dont know how lost and clueless i am.
most probably, deep down inside, under all the pretense, the laughter, the little things we know about life (or rather pretend to know), all the flaws, the criticism, the knowledge, the brains, the fluff, the clothes, the music, the art, the expression, the feelings…
take that all away, and what do you get?
a complete ZERO.
"i’m your lover… i’m your zero…" - zero by smashing pumpkins.
so true. so sad. so fatal. so suicidal.
but still fuckingly true.
i wish i could only fade away.. into nothingness, into me…
wishful thinking. that would never happen.
at times, when everyone’s just having fun, i have these sudden urges to just burst out in tears as well as laughter, seeing how stupid and ridiculous the world can be. or rather, is it just me? is it them? why am i so unhappy??
am i crazy?
or am i just plain suicidal?
or just too depressed?
How can i be depressed?? one would ask me.
i dunno…
i am one antitheses of myself.
i want to be loud. i am loud. i want to be crazy. i am crazy. i want to be so many things. i am those things. and yet…
i want to be alone. i am alone. i want to disappear. i am disappearing. i want to run away. i’m always running. i want to be dead.
maybe?
maybe… i am already dead.
but even in death, life pains me.
welcome to my dark and frightening mind. where noone ever sleeps, and dreams are looming and miniscule. all horrible in black and white.
yet, noone will ever understand…
